silver linings for my sanity
navigating fun?employment and uncertainty - maybe in denial ??? rambles as i process
3.6.2025
a recent recipient of trump’s chaos, my organization just let go of 52 people. as i enter into the job market again, just 5 months after i left it, it’s definitely scarier this time. something about this feels more permanent and i hope to everything that i’m wrong and i’m not speaking this into reality. it all seemed so different just 5 months ago. i applied, interviewed, and received an offer in 29 days - although to be fair that is still quite fast even in a “normal” job market. this organization was big and seemed stable, although we are once again in “unprecedented times” or whatever.
as i’ve recently come into a bit of freetime and with some foresight, i know i need a bit of a game plan so i don’t completely spiral downwards - i mean maybe a little but like not too much. i’ll take a few days to freak out for sure, but i know i really struggle without a routine and that can be a very slippery and quick slope into depression. although i no longer need to adhere to a 6am wake up, i do think i should make a new routine for myself, i’ll certainly have a lot more time to dedicate to hobbies and hey, that was one of my 2025 goals, and my new job will be applying to jobs.
a shower thought was that i didn’t think i should have enjoyment because i need to worry about finding a job now. while to some extent this is true - right - like no unnecessary purchases, but that doesn’t mean i have to spend all day miserable. yeah i’ll be applying to jobs, networking, trying to freelance, whatever else. but i’m still allowed to be happy. i’ll go to the gym still, i’ll go for my walks still, and yes i will allow myself the luxury of time to write, read, and actually remember to bring my camera with me and take photos. i don’t have to strip myself completely of happiness while also being incredibly mindful of money. i was feeling guilty that if i wasn’t “productive” and applying to jobs all waking hours, i was a failure; not doing enough and therefore putting my partner and i in a tough spot.
what am i punishing myself for? i had absolutely no control over these position eliminations - it was actually pretty much a surprise to everyone - we all woke up to the 8:30am ET email and 52 of us received a meeting invite 15 minutes later. 52 of all seniority and tenure levels.
maybe this optimism is delaying the inevitable - life under trump isn’t normal. mass layoffs in like every industry isn’t normal. maybe i’m still in the denial stage? i want to be hopeful? i want to think it’ll work out, it must - right? right?
part of me also thinks - like what does this even matter? with the government being gutted, chaos, turmoil, general bat-shittery ensuing, america as we knew it is already changing? instead of trying to hold onto the normalcy i once had, what is my new normal? what is society going to look like in the future here? if the old playbook is out (and let’s be real, it was due for rewrite anyway) can we write our own rules now?
i’m sure you can see my feelings and emotions flying around. i guess i’m just trying to keep myself from spiraling downward.
some silver linings:
i don’t have to wake up for a 6:45am meeting
i have more time for my hobbies
i have time for morning workouts, which i prefer since i don’t have early morning meetings anymore
i’m being forced to re-evaluate my relationship with money as the future is so uncertain i’m trying to save as much as i can
challenging my need for control and predictability - being resilient
maybe this is a redirection i need? i didn’t love doing project management - a forceful push into my creative side?
the solidarity and support from my old colleagues who were not impacted
set up a google sheet to input job listings to help us search
set up a gofundme with the goal of giving everyone $200 for a week of groceries, it’s been up about 12 hours (when i’m checking now) and has reached 75% of the goal!
offers from colleagues to help network, read resumes, be references, etc
in addition to my silver linings, i also have a heap ton of gratitude; my incredibly supportive and loving partner, my wonderful friends who i’ve been able to emotionally lean on, and family to fall back on - a safety net i know not everyone has the luxury of having.
as i’ve joined the laid-off-club, i’m thinking about everyone else; the federal workers, the other non-profit workers, and just everyone else impacted by the craziness of this administration. i hope everyone is able to get through this, but the reality is, is that many won’t. it’s heartbreaking, infuriating, maybe galvanizing? it did not have to be this way! it is directly trump, elon, zuckerburg, and all of the lawmakers and voters who supported this.
3.7.2025
well. i think it sunk in a bit more today. i felt empty, depressed as fuck - my energy was completely drained. it wasn’t like i was even tired because i couldn’t sleep, it was just like, yeah, drained. i guess that is being tired.
damn.
ben and jerry’s was on sale. feeling happier tonight.
3.8.2025
took an edible last night and just laughed into the night - rejuvenating. although i’m still scared, stressed, uncertain about the future - i don’t feel the doom and gloom as i did yesterday.
went to the gym today, the sun was out, currently at a brewery bouncing between writing and getting ready to job hunt. got my spreadsheet ready to track applications, and started saving jobs to apply to. i got people in my corner ready and willing to help and support me.
i'm going to figure this out. i’m willing it to be so. doing everything i can that’s within my control and releasing the imaginary grasp on everything else. that’s all i can do. i can stay nimble and adapt to all the changes that are about to come.
fingers crossed,
Ren