Learning Patience and Perseverance
With every past creative endeavor, I've struggled to see it through. Perhaps with maturity, patience is slowly becoming easier.
Patience has never been my virtue, but I’m starting to learn it. I struggle with waiting for the fruits of my labor and to be quite honest because of that, I don’t labor too hard if the gratitude isn’t immediate. I find it quite difficult to dedicate time to ritualistic practice because it’s hard for me to see far enough down the line to realize/remember that it will pay off; that it does pay off. Maybe some of this is because I didn’t have to work too hard to be good at things growing up, I hate to admit it, but maybe I was too quickly given recognition. I’m not sure if I’m tenacious. I’m not sure if there are many things or anything that I’ve stuck with my entire life. Does anyone stick with anything for their entire lives? I suppose that is a bit of a ridiculous standard to abide by - but the point is, I’m now finally starting to understand what they mean when they say “good things come to those who wait”.
This is not the first time I’ve started a blog/website/vlog/insert here that I’ve quickly put down. I wanted immediate success, I wanted perfection, I wanted external validation, I was often all action no thought. I would jump head first - which isn’t inherently a bad thing - but when I inevitably didn’t become like a Nobel prize-winning author after posting like 3 mid-posts, I would give up.
I don’t think jumping right into things and being excited and motivated is bad - in fact it’s something I like about myself; I’m passionate. Once I’m interested, I’m really interested, but how to keep that momentum going? This time I decided to approach my efforts a bit differently. I’ve been taking the time to plan, to strategize, and most importantly giving myself time to sit with ideas, to free write, and then actually going back to edit, review, and refine. When I was starting my substack back up, I was working on a new logo, an intro post, and a few other drafts. I was getting so excited, I felt that old desire to immediately post all my drafts and start posting my new name and logo everywhere. But I stopped myself. I knew these products were not really ready. This time feels different, and I want to be proud of my writing and designs. Although they don’t need to be perfect or groundbreaking by any means, I don’t want them to feel rushed or sloppy. Most importantly, I want to be able to stand behind my work without going back to constantly revise or delete after publishing.
Through my planning, brainstorming, and brain dumping, I’ve developed tangible steps, plans, and goals about where I would like to take this - another thing I haven’t done in the past. I’ve taken time to think a bit more thoughtfully about what success will look like and why I want to pursue this. I feel a boost of creativity and desire to write and design regardless of the reception. Of course it would be cool if other people like my work, but the call to create is stronger, and that is my motivation to continue and the intrinsic fulfillment and joy I find in self-expression through my creativity is my success. I do also have long-term goals, like hitting 10/20/50/etc subscribers, but I also understand now that that comes with patience and effort - and that might not ever come and that’s okay. Although I get excited when I gain a new follower, subscriber, or like, I enjoy the process just as much if not more. I love making my designs to accompany my posts, I love researching for articles, I love when a new idea for a post pops up and I scramble to brain dump before I forget anything, I love the practice of writing and revising. Like a favorite outfit or lipstick, this has become a new extension of expression.
As I continue to create, I’m starting to truly understand why people with a desire to create just do it, regardless of public reception or recognition. This has been in active resistance and rebuking of my debilitating perfectionism. For too long, I’ve allowed myself to live in the shadow of perfect, but the desire to create has bubbled over and out. I get it when other creatives say they do it for themselves. And even if other people don’t like it, they can still be proud of it - because it doesn’t matter, it’s yours.
Ren